we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
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We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
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You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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