you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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