the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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