Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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