I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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