history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
