I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
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I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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