Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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