Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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