i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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