When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
