yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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