Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My feet surprised me
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
