Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My penis needs a shock collar
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
