My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
