i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
