I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
