life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
