ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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