I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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