but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
