Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
