Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
