i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
