a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
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don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
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Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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