Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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