I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
