Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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