Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
