New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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