I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
