Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
