Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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