Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
