he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
