you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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