We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
