i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the condom got lost in my hair
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
