"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
