i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
