Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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