so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
