My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
