I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
