Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We were destined to go to rehab together
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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