Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
