pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
