Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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