I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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