just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
