the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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