Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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