Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this hospital has no fireball
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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