My hand turned me down
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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