I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
