Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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