So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
