my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
